By FASD_Mum and FASD_Dad
Warning: there are extremely offensive and disturbing quotes from the media in here about children and people with FASD, about birth parents, and about those who adopt complex kids. We do not endorse any of them.
We were feeling good about the holidays. Better than usual. This is a hard time of year for many affected by FASD, and our family too has struggled through the seasonal merriment and mayhem over recent years. During the 2-1/2 years since his diagnosis, we have taken great strides to better understand and support our 12-year old with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and he also is better understanding himself. Those moments that used to spiral out of control are becoming, for the most part, containable. The tension that weighed us all down is lifting. It’s still not easy, but with joy, love, informed support, (medication), and lots of sensory toys and play, we are getting there.
Yes, we were feeling ok. And then an article from the Daily Mail popped up in our newsfeeds. It slapped us in the face with its sensationalized headline and a picture of a child model screaming like a banshee. “They open their homes to adopt – then find they’ve taken on youngsters who wreck their family. Why do we continue to BETRAY loving parents…”
An all-too-uncommon article about FASD in a major British newspaper is normally something those of us who push hard for greater attention to this issue celebrate. But not all media is good media. This article lets down families living with FASD that need help. It betrays children awaiting adoption by discouraging prospective parents. It is destructive, contributing nothing positive to the national debate.
The article talks about how “[t]he children being adopted now are the offspring of our drunks, our derelicts, our damaged and our junkies.” The result, it says “is an untold scandal, blighting the lives of thousands of well-meaning families.” It invokes demonic imagery, talking about how educating these kids can be “the Devil’s own task.” It talks about how a child might be cuddled sweetly on the sofa and then without warning suddenly leap and “hurl herself” at her adoptive mum, hitting her, screaming “whore” and “bitch” and other “dark, dark words.” The author warns “That might not happen tonight. Maybe not tomorrow, either. But it will happen again; it always does” as if there is nothing that can be done to help. The article says nothing about the love and light our kids bring to our families, nothing about their talents and the contribution they make. No. In this piece, all our kids are demons who destroy.
The article does highlight the pressures some families face and it addresses the lack of support and funding for these families, but in doing so it repeatedly implies families who adopt kids with FASD are doomed. The clear implication is that people should not adopt, especially not the children of “those” people.
The article lit up the passions of social media. At the time of posting this blog post, it has been shared more than 2,600 times (and counting), with more than 1,200 comments.
The sensationalism of the story was abhorrent enough. But it is in the comment section where one can see the depth of prejudices we have to overcome if we are going to get society to deal with this hidden disability.
We are posting below some of the excerpts of those comments. We can’t just dismiss them because we might not like the political leanings of a media source. If these comments were written about any other segment of society we would be outraged. We need to call them out. We need to face them. We need to debunk them. These bigotries underlie the surface of polite discussion here in the UK on topics related to Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. They fuel the stigma that stops our children, our young adults, adults with FASD, and their families from getting the support that they need. We should never be so grateful for media attention that we allow this sort of article and these sorts of comments to go unchallenged.
Ready? Here is what some of the dear British public thinks after reading this piece:
“Just put the little so and sos down. Good for them, good for us. Cheap too.”
“Adopting an evil child is God’s way of punishing you for going against his wishes.”
“Trash begets trash that gets circulated around.”
“Some children are uncontrollable, and no amount of love and care will ever change them.”
“If a woman is a drug addict or an alcoholic, and generally a risk as a failed mother, she should be forced take medication to prevent her having kids.”
“It’s hard but morals, ethics and our way of dealing with the dregs of society needs to change. Why should happy, well balanced families be put at risk for being well meaning? These children have no future with a normal family.”
“I worked as a clinical psychologist for 20 years … I would never, never adopt a child nowadays. Not even a newborn. They are, essentially brain-damaged and cannot typically function in a normal family.”
“There’s no way I’d adopt, sorry… I don’t want to be beaten, stabbed or killed, thanks!!”
“Don’t do ‘everything possible’ to keep a premature baby of an alcoholic or drug-addicted mother alive, just to prove it can be done.”
“The genetics always came out eventually.”
“The problem today is that parents are not allowed to discipline a child in a way that would achieve obedience so the child becomes uncontrollable.”
“Think twice before adopting these kids. Fostering is like a test drive. If you don’t like you can always return to sender.”
Let’s be clear. Kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome are innocent. They have brain injury and other physical disabilities that are the result of exposure to alcohol in the womb before they ever drew a breath. THEY DID NOTHING WRONG. They are here, among us. There are many, too many, in need of a lasting, solid home. Yes, they will grow up to be teens, young adults and adults. Getting them the right support and stability matters greatly to their lives – it can literally change the course of their lives. It can save families and relationships if they can be reached while they are young. It can save them when they face the struggle of leaving home and trying to live independently. There are no guarantees, but it matters.
Britain likes to think it is a caring community.
So, step up.
Experts estimate (because proper studies haven’t been fully funded and conducted) that there are as many kids out there with FASD as there are with autism. Provide the information about prevention in the schools, in the doctor’s surgeries. Stop faffing about whether or not your grandmother said drinking a pint gave you iron and follow the latest advice from the UK’s chief medical officer (who presumably has more scientific background than those urging you to drink up):
“If you are pregnant or think you could become pregnant, the safest approach is not to drink alcohol at all.”
Stop thinking that it’s only those with addictions and living on the edge that have kids with FASD. Accept the fact that those expensively dressed young educated, professional women who are increasingly binge drinking are a huge part of the problem too. Provide help and assistance to at-risk young women and young mothers. Fund the addiction counselling programs. Provide proper healthcare. Proactively fund and encourage early diagnosis of FASD and the related 400+ conditions that can co-occur. Educate the social workers, schools and the other professionals to spot kids at risk for FASD earlier rather than later, once the secondary behaviors kick in (too often as a result of the lack of early support and understanding). Get the parents, foster carers, special guardians, adoptive parents, midwives, teachers, doctors, educational psychologists, all those around the child who need it all the information they deserve. Discuss and provide access to the therapies and medications that help some. Put it all on the table, don’t sugar coat anything. Face this epidemic as a caring society should.
We deserve a proper national conversation. Together, we need to stare down those nasty hidden prejudices and dispel the stigma that is holding back the help we need once and for all.
Yes, absolutely, it’s important to highlight the struggles of children with FASD and their families, and the problems in the adoption system. But we should never blame the children for their condition, portray them as demonic monsters beyond help whose only contribution to a family is to wreck it in the way this article chose to present them. We should not trample the feelings and accomplishments of those young adults and adults with FASD whose lives are courageous and challenging. If they are hurting or stumbling, as a society we need to lift them up and not knock them down – especially at times when their parents cannot fill that role for complicated reasons. It takes a village. We are that village. We need to open doors of opportunity for this vulnerable population, not prepare more prison cells. We should not scapegoat and shame birth-parents, but work cooperatively to help prevent further kids from being born with this brain injury. We need to provide respite and compassion for those who are on the frontline caring for and nurturing those with this condition.
Life can be tough in our households. Sometimes brutally difficult and even scary. Certainly overwhelming and tiring. We do need to tell that story so we can show that all families of kids with FASD need more support, that schools need resources, that the transition to adulthood is rocky and filled with dangers. We need to show that support is needed and isn’t there. But in telling that story we must aim for positive change. Because at the end of the day, beyond the frustrations, hurt and pain, that is what we all want, positive change.
We love a child with FASD, and he and others like him deserve our respect. He is entitled to a chance at a life with dignity in a compassionate community to which he can contribute and from which he deserves support.
[Oh, and for what it’s worth we reported that comment about “putting them down” as inciting violence and hate. Thankfully it seems to have been removed.]
Please see our resources section for more information and links.
Please also see the National Organisation for Foetal Alcohol Syndrome-UK (NOFAS-UK) response to the Daily Mail article
See also: A serious point about lack of post-adoption support is lost in what is a deeply unpleasant, slanted piece by Caoilfhionn Gallagher, Doughty Street Chambers