Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat …. And sadly the period of greatest potential for multiple meltdowns with it.
The run up to Christmas is a really difficult time of year for children with an FASD. Schools go off timetable, so routine vanishes. Excitement builds as the holiday approaches. Multiple events pile up, one after another, in a confusing and seemingly relentless fashion.
Kids just cannot cope. Their senses can be overwhelmed every time they go places with lights and music. Kids who find it difficult to assess time can struggle with the weeks and weeks of special events, wondering why Christmas hasn’t come yet.
Worse, children who struggle to comply with all that is required of them in school, whose symptoms are treated as bad behaviour at the best of times by those who fail sometimes to even recognise that they even have life-long organic brain damage, find themselves wondering if Santa understands they aren’t being naughty and whether they’ll get presents because so often they are told they are being bad. And bad kids don’t get Christmas presents.
So, even where our youngsters manage to hold things together outside the home, very often this time of year brings an increase in meltdowns, school refusal, tears, sometimes increased violence and angry words. Friday night this week brought a broken phone screen as frustration built up, with concern about spending next week off timetable a real factor.
Things become very fraught for all. It can have a horrible effect on families, and for extended families who don’t get FASD it can be completely inexplicable. Accusations of bad parenting can fly, which just increases tensions and perpetuates the cycle of misery.
So, how to avoid this so far as is possible?
Well, it isn’t easy. But there are ways to reduce tension, ease anxiety and make Christmas and the New Year easier to get through.
We start from the point that we know our son best, and from experience understand what we need to do to help him be able to get through each day. We listen to him, and this has got easier as he has got older and is able – at least sometimes – to tell us what he needs in words to be calm and happy.
We build Christmas and the New Year around him. We do everything we can to lessen the sensory burden. We do everything possible to reduce stimuli and anxiety. We recognise our son’s disability and the needs this means he has. We give priority to meeting those needs.
This means we miss out on things. If he can go to the pre-Christmas carol singalong, then we go. He does enjoy it (he loves singing) when capable of accessing a crowded public event.
We do decoration to the extent he can cope with without becoming agitated, and when he can manage it. Sometimes that means lots of decorations, sometimes relatively few. A couple of years ago he wanted to keep the Christmas tree in the living room all year long. So it stayed (he was right, it was kind of pretty). We had already bought an artificial one as he became extremely anxious as time went by and needles started to drop.
Presents only appear on Christmas morning. Temptation would be too much if they sat under the tree for longer. Which means we stay up very late to make sure the kids are asleep as we await Santa’s arrival. One Christmas a sleepy older neuro-typical son appeared at 1.30am, just as Father Christmas was finishing. Luckily he was so tired he could be guided back to bed or we might well have had presents in the middle of the night. After all, Santa had called.
Christmas is for kids. In this case, we build Christmas Day around our son. Presents early. The kids can stay in pyjamas and play with toys and games. No pressures at all. Food and drink can be eaten where they play.
We do go for lunch and family presents with family. We’ve learned over the years that we need to keep this shorter than we otherwise would. And if our son needs to be in another room listening to music or playing on his phone, then that’s where he is. He can’t manage to sit in a crowded room for a long time, or stay still for so long. It’s better for everyone when we accommodate his needs.
In the end, it’s simple. Do what you know your kid needs to get through the holidays happily. Cut everything else out.
And while this is about children with FASD, it’s much the same for adults with FASD – they too need accommodation, support and understanding. Inclusion is more than just inviting someone along. It means helping to ensure all are able to access and enjoy the fun.
Wishing everyone happy holidays and a wonderful 2019.
For some great advice, see this video, “Hark, the Holidays Approacheth! (Preparing for and Avoiding Behaviors During Holidays)” from Oregon Behavior Consultation.