I am willing to admit I might be grasping at straws here, but today the smashed screen of our son’s Amazon Fire Kid’s tablet represents progress to me. I get that I may be taking counter-intuitive parenting to an extreme, but here’s what I have been thinking ever since this happened at about lunch time today:
- He instantly communicated he understood the trigger for him. “I don’t like it when the games time out before I can finish!”
- He recognized that he could have handled his frustration better. “I always throw things too hard.”
- He came to find me after it happened. “I broke it.”
- He trusted he would not get in trouble.
- He tried to problem solve. “There aren’t too many cracks on it.”
- He did not have a meltdown, but wrapped up in his duvet like we have encouraged him to do.
- He did not break my phone, which was also within reach at the time.
- Within 15 minutes we were able to recover his good humour, and jolly him out the door to singing lessons, without any rooms being destroyed in the process.
From the parental side, we did better today (if we don’t count our one epic fail, which I will address below):
- We responded when we heard a problem, but not by going in with sirens blaring even though we kind of knew a piece of electronics had just been sacrificed.
- By mutual, unspoken consent I went forward first, gently asking what had happened.
- We did not erupt in frustrated and harried verbal sparring between us. We kept the tones low.
- My immediate response was to reassure him. “It’s okay. You’re not in trouble. Where is it? Let me have a look. It’s OK. You didn’t mean to break it, did you?”
- I quietly moved the broken tablet out of view, and started to scratch his back.
- He was making noises from under the duvet cocoon he had created – I quietly asked him a question about something unrelated to get him talking and back into a verbal mode. I kept repeating it quietly, to give him time to register the question. “What songs are you going to sing today at voice lessons?” Wait a few moments. “What SONG do you think you are going to SING today?” “Do you have a SONG?” Repeating the main word, understanding he might only be hearing every third word or so until he calmed further.
- Without too many words, I helped him out of pjs and into his day clothes, even avoided things flying when he was having trouble getting his foot into his beloved new gold-plated heeled boots which @FASD_Dad had very wisely brought up, a silent encouragement that yes, he could wear these out today and isn’t that cool?
- I instantly responded positively when he suggested his singing teacher might like it if he were to bring her a treat, like sweets. Of course I knew he had ulterior motives, but I commended him on being very thoughtful in thinking what the teacher might like. I did that on purpose, to start those positive feelings flowing again, to get to “yes” ground again after the negativity.
- When I said to @FASD_Dad that our guy wanted to stop at the shop for sweets, he had already heard the deal, quietly agreed without batting an eye and without mentioning smashed tablets, and they were off.
- After the singing lesson, @FASD_Dad kept him busy with some of his favourite Saturday activities- they went to the charity shops (where he scored his 2000th marble run), filled up on food at Subway (which was vital), before visiting his grandmother and The Auntie.
- When they came home, we all sat and watched a music DVD in the living room that is still filled with Christmas lights and the (artificial) Christmas tree because our guy (and his older brother it must be admitted) don’t want us to take them down. So we haven’t.
So, why am I feeling good? As I say, I am willing to admit it might be grasping at straws. The little one is up in bed. He is calm and at peace. We are all calm and at peace. The house is kind of pretty in the multi-coloured glow. Rather than feeling like a failure doomed to bad luck for not taking down these (minimal) decorations, I am seeing it as a positive. I am responding to our guy’s wishes, giving him control over this – it hurts no one and he’s right, it’s kind of nice. I guess I am feeling good because we are learning. We are far from perfect, but we are learning.
Readers of the blog may recall some earlier catastrophes with tablets and phones, including The Worst Day Ever. These incidents were horrible, traumatic, and had knock-on effects for weeks. But, we have learned. We got the Amazon Fire for Kids when it was on sale because it has a great kid-friendly replacement policy (or at least, we will see how parent-friendly that is in coming days). We understood there was a risk, and we researched and took precautions so that we weren’t losing a ton of money. We don’t get any electronics now without buying a replacement package. Our son has a disability. Things happen.
I also am pleased because even though electronics are a hot button between my husband and I sometimes, we worked through it today, in synch, and we are okay. I am feeling good that our guy knew he could come to me even if something pretty bad on the scale of things in his world had happened, and that there is not one hole in one wall as part of the aftermath of frustration and hurt and disappointment that a favourite piece of electronics had been broken.
He will face some natural consequences. He will have to bring an old Leap Pad with less grown up games on it during his 30-40 minute taxi rides to and from school until we can get the replacement sorted. We will not hurry that process. He will be without this for a while. We will gently reinforce with him during this time that when he is feeling frustrated he should put down electronics and punch a pillow if he has to, or take deep breaths. We will talk about this a lot, just not now.
Yes, it is counter-intuitive parenting. In the world I grew up in I would have been sent to my room, grounded, and I would have had to work around the house to earn money to replace the item. And that all would have made sense for the kid I was.
But we know our guy has brain injury that means he cannot always control his impulses. That surge of frustration when that totally-annoying-game-just-did-not-give-him-enough-time-AGAIN-when-he-was-working-so-hard-and-was-nearly-there…that ARRRRGHHHHH moment that we can all recognize floods his system and because of the way his brain networks are wired, the other ‘thinking’ part of the brain sometimes just cannot kick in until, oh no! It’s already broken. And-now-what-should-he-do?
There is no amount of ‘punishing’ that will change that wiring of his brain. The best we can do is put in place strategies to ensure conditions are the best possible to avoid him getting that frustrated or overstimulated to begin with.
So, if there was an epic fail today, it was mine. I was on the computer from the moment he came downstairs this morning and I knew he was on electronics for too long. I made a choice this morning not to enforce our ‘no screens weekend mornings’ policy that has been completely ignored by us all over this past hectic month. I knew it was getting late, he hadn’t eaten properly, and that he was likely to be unhappy about having to get ready to go to singing after a cozy morning at home staring at screens. I could have, I should have headed this off. He even said to me yesterday that I am on the computer too much.
I am not saying that to have others tell me I shouldn’t feel bad, and I shouldn’t kick myself. I am not. As I said, I am at peace. I feel good. I think I am speaking for my husband as well. Today, we showed signs of growth as a family. We all of us – big and small – spotted where we slipped up, we talked about where we didn’t ‘follow the script’ and what impact that had. We comforted each other, and we moved on and recovered. So, yes. It was a good day.
But I am not going to take credit for that. Our guy is a super star. He is working at things. He really is. He is trying hard, in his way and in his own time, to implement the strategies. He is more resilient than he has been in a long, long time. We believe he is having a new chance at being able to do this because such huge pressures have been lifted from him by switching to a special school. He had been using every last ounce of his will power to get through those school days in his old school. Just yesterday, we were discussing that his appetite is starting to climb as well. He actually wants to eat much more often than previously. Across the board, we all are progressing.
So here’s the small hope we toss out there to those who might be needing it: if we could crawl out of the hole we had been falling into, others can too. I guess that is the main thought for the day. These parenting strategies are not really rocket science. But they rely on us practicing and developing different reflexes. This doesn’t happen over night. It is a process. I am sure the pros out there are shaking their heads reading this, and I imagine they could find 50 things we did wrong today. I am sure readers have spotted some things we could have done better as well. We welcome advice and comments. We are far, far, FAR from perfect. We are muddling through.
But none of that changes the fact that for us, today, this was progress. And in a world that moves fast and is full of tense and challenging moments, we have to take time to celebrate the positives.
So yes, I am choosing to look at that broken screen and allow myself to feel good.